Fully Persuaded

My cousin Marcia wrote in her blog, Healing Waters today about being fully persuaded that what He has promised, He is able to perform (based on the scripture found in Romans 4:21). When I read that I thought about what it means to be fully persuaded. Many people profess a deep faith and belief in God, his divinity, his power and his authority. Yet they live lives of sadness, frustration, confusion and lack where he is concerned.

I've written about a double minded spirit earlier this year and I have found that my perception of God has changed in 2011. Reading Iyanla VanZant's book "Peace From Broken Pieces" and looking at and addressing the brokenness in my own life has been a real aha moment for me. I thought I was fully persuaded about who God was in my life only to find that my pain and my issues had colored my faith in God. So many people in my life had promised one thing and presented me with another that my subconscious belief was that God would fail me like so many others. Of course I never said that or had a conscious negative thought in that way, but my actions, driven by my subconscious, constantly told a different story.

I guess in order to be fully persuaded you have to be able to see God with clear eyes that are not clouded with pain and self-judgement. He doesn't change, but we are constantly changing.

Kirstie We Love You But Size 4-6? No Way...

I have been on every diet known to mankind. The scale has been kind to me and the scale has been the devil incarnate. And wherever I was on my 'weight-loss' journey, I always tried to at least tell myself the truth. But I also know that many times if I did not tell people how much I weighed they would have no idea. My favorite game at the county fair was 'Guess Your Weight' because I would win every time. Today on EW.com they had an article about actress/comedienne Kirstie Alley and her latest fall on Dancing With The Stars (DWTS). The story headline was "Kirstie Alley on latest mishap: 'My blood sugar had dropped.' (But hey, she's down to a size 6!)".

Let me say first that Kirstie doesn't owe me any information about her weight and/or dress size. I got my own to worry about and that is a full time job for me. But when her people put out these ridiculous statements that even Stevie Wonder could see don't add up, it demeans her real accomplishments which deserve much praise. First of all, she is a very talented actress and a comedienne who has now added dancer to her tool set and she is doing it well. At age 60! And looking great while doing it! You can stop right there for the applause.

The rest of it is meaningless theatre and I'm pretty sure that that particular storyline is being pumped up by the producers. I wish they would stop it. The facts are that she is there because she wants to be and she is doing something that is good for her health and her self-esteem. Could they please stop treating the viewing audience like we are more likely to believe their press releases than our lying eyes? My pastor used to say, “I may have been born AT night but it wasn’t LAST night”.

This kind of thing bugs me because I am in the process of losing weight, and I would be panicked if people were asking me all the time what size I am now. I’m learning to enjoy exercise and I do it because I know it is good for me. My exercise of choice is walking. I normally walk up and down Colorado Blvd. and Eagle Rock Blvd. area because I can combine the fresh air with people watching, a latte or a fruit smoothie. I am not ready for rough terrains yet (no steep inclines) but I like a lot of variety to my walks. Where do you like to walk in Eagle Rock? I mean areas that are well populated and considered safe for women by themselves. I know Pasadena has the Rose Bowl Walkers, (http://www.meetup.com/Rose-Bowl-Walkers/), and I see a lot of people out together when I go to Griffith Park, but is there a similar kind of group in Eagle Rock? Oh, I should also add that my pace is still slow, an 18 minute mile. Who is with me?

Let The Weak Say I Am Strong....

UPDATE:
Well I got through my first transfusion today and hopefully only two more weeks to go. Next step will be to finish my teaching courses so I can inspire the next generation of storytellers. And as soon as I get the strength to write again I'm going to finish my books. But now... I am definitely going to nap.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit uses this blog to give me a spiritual "heads up" on what is needed for a future battle. My last blog was about getting rid of fear and I was also preparing for a 7 day mini- cleanse as per the Martha's Vineyard 21 lbs in 21 Days Diet. I've learned to stay on track with what my inner voice is telling me so I completed the 7 day cleanse and lost an additional 6 lbs. My weight loss for 2011 is now holding at 30 lbs. Thank you God.

Finally I can say that I "see" a change in my appearance and clothes are fitting better. Outfits that were shamefully retired can now come back into the main rotation and that is a relief. I've been consistent with my exercise, taking my ASEA and wearing my Bodymedia Fit armband to catalogue my results.

My next battle is a health challenge that I thought I dealt with before but it has come back for another round. I'm a little angered by it because it steals my physical energy and that is what I need to exercise and prepare the life-giving healthy food that keeps me going. Today, just the act of typing makes me tired. I don't really like to put medical details on a blog because the internet is forever and your health situation is subject to change. A position of weakness today can be a position of strength tomorrow. So even as I sit here tired I recognize that this is just another chapter in my life and it has come to PASS.

But today I thank God for what he has already done in my physical body and for the complete healing that my body is undergoing. I am also going to continue to educate myself on what I can do to live an long and healthy and active life. One thing I know for sure, my body seems to respond very positively to the vegan diet. I'm not sure I want to give up fish and eggs, but chicken and beef are becoming less attractive to me. When we know better we do better. I'm still learning and I can't wait to learn more...

Peace and blessings,

dede

Spring Cleaning and Getting Rid of Fear

If you are a reader of this blog then you know that I did a detox diet in January and embraced some lifestyle changes to get a better stronger physical body. Well one of the tenets of the Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet is that after you complete the 21 day cleanse, you do it again at each change of season for a 7 day period. So you do 7 days in the Spring, Summer, Fall and then do the 21 day cleanse again at the 1 year point. So this week starting Monday April 18, 2011, my family will be doing it again for 7 days.

I'm looking forward to the cleanse this time, not because I like drinking vegetable soups, but because I'm looking forward to giving my body a tune up. Since the January cleanse I have kept off 24 lbs. and added a 3 mile walk to my daily life. I walk at least 18 miles a week and even though my eating habits sometimes miss the mark, the exercise seems to be helping me to maintain the weight lost at the beginning of the year.

I've noticed that the disconnect between mind, emotions and body still exists. I have not kept a food journal (even though that is a proven way to help weight loss and correct bad eating habits). So I have some areas of my life where I clearly know better but I willfully refuse to do better. It is not a conscious motivational error - if you asked me, I would tell you I am committed to change and a healthy lifestyle and most of the actions are there but there are still things that show a subconscious disconnect. Have you seen this in your life as well? You say you are ready for change but some of your actions are in clear rebellion to that change?

I can't speak for you, but in my life that disconnect is the manifestation of fear in my life. I've spent my life afraid of many things. I did not start out that way but life has a way of beating things into you if you live a life of rebellion and for many years I did. So when it comes to weight loss and optimal health, the subconscious fear is that I won't be able to handle how others perceive and interact with the new healthy me. It is safe being big, jolly funny Dede, but a fit, strong Dede is a new scary world. Again, I can't speak for you, I can only shine the light on me. I wasn't ready to own up to the fear before, but I am ready to do it now.

I got an email from Amazon.com recommending things I should buy and one of them was the new Kirk Franklin CD, "Hello Fear". I listened to the music and found it articulated a desire in my heart during this season. I am ready to let go of lifelong fears. I really want to discover some "what ifs" in life. What if I lived each day like God had my back and I could not fail? What if I treated my body like a temple and trusted that it would respond and reward me with good health? What if every time the scale registered a couple of lbs gained I did not treat it as a personal failure? What if I embraced each new technological advance as a way to make work easier not harder?

My parents had differing responses to fear. My father is not a fearful man. He is ill now, but when he was well, he welcomed change and adventure and he tried to make me laugh at my fears of insects (he'd kill a bug that had me screaming and then chase me with it, laughing at my fear until I was laughing too). He'd try to teach me to swim by throwing me into the water, laughing at my tears, (that one never worked Daddy). My mom is afraid of so many things, the pain of change, new people, places. Life has also given her the pain of loss and many reasons to fear and I think it must have been so amazing for her to meet my father with his adventurous spirit and mostly positive outlook. One thing we all learned growing up was that God had sent us the Holy Spirit so we would not have to live a life of fear. But even that knowledge doesn't make you immune to the destruction of fear. You must make a conscious decision to reject fear and its power over your life.

So during this season of spring cleaning I breathe in a new spirit of change and sweep fear out of my life. I'm going to go get ready for tomorrow's 7 day cleanse. If you want to do it with me, I have an outline of the plan and the grocery list in the January 2011 blog entries. And next week when I celebrate Resurrection Sunday I look forward to my own resurrection.
Good-bye Fear.

Peace and blessings,

dede

Where Did the Time Go?

It is hard to believe that it is already March 2, 2011. What a difference a day makes. I started the year with a mantra of change and change has indeed come. I know better so I am doing better. And I am honest enough to jack myself up when I am not being true to myself.

I have lost 21 lbs since January 5, 2011. I don't see a change in my body but I do realize that it has changed. I'm fitting into smaller clothes that were too tight 60 days ago. I can tell that I am not comfortable with this change because I am still not writing down my food logs (even though I know that is one of the best ways to make lifestyle changes and locate and isolate bad habits.) I am starting to like my daily walks now. Walking allows me the chance to clear my mind and meditate on the blessings of the day. It is such a blessing just to be able to walk and to have a safe, beautiful place to go and exercise every day. I'm able to do a 19 min mile now and I do at least three miles a day.

I think it is safe to say that using the Body Media Fit Armband and taking the ASEA redox signaling molecules every day have made a difference. The armband lets me know when I've exercised enough and even tracks my sleep. The redox signaling molecules seem to help me breathe through my workouts and recover from the muscle fatigue after the workout. I have not talked to my doctors about these changes but I will do that next month when I have my physical.

I hope that you see by now that you can make your own change if you want to and it does not have to take years to make it happen. I want to thank the family and friends that sent the encouraging words these past two months. I'm going to keep on going with this journey to see what the end will be. I'll keep you posted as I pass future milestones but I won't bore you with the day to day minutiae of the change process. Hard work pays off. I get the equation now. It is hard to believe that 2 1/2 months ago I heard someone talk about the Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet at a Gospel Concert and heard an inner voice say "You need to check that out". I listened and I feel so much healthier as a result.

My prayer for you in the month of March is that you listen to the still small voice that articulates the desires of your heart. Don't wait until you feel better, sometimes change hurts. Keep me in your prayers, I'll be doing the 5K Glendale Downtown Dash on Sunday March 14, 2011 to benefit Glendale Adventist Hospital's Stroke Services Center. This will be my first race since I had to stop training for the Half-Marathon in 2009. I'm slowly making my way back. To God Be the Glory.

Peace and blessings,

dede

Peace From Broken Pieces

I finished the book, Peace From Broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant this past weekend. Even now, I struggle to put words together to describe the experience of reading it. It is a visceral, gut-wrenching, brutally honest glimpse into a life, analyzed to the DNA level of conscious and subconscious. And if you have suffered any brokenness in your life you will see yourself in some places. Reading the book was so hard for me that some nights I had to just put it down like hot coal, knowing that if I kept reading I might see some things in myself that I was not ready to see.

Some of my church going friends felt hesitant about reading the book because of Ms. Vanzant's spiritual beliefs as a Yoruba priestess (like it might be contagious once exposed). I assure you that my belief system is intact, mainly because it is tried and tested. But the wisdom and authority from which she writes about brokenness and the road back from it has changed me and helped me on my own journey to wholeness.

The most positive thing I believe I have gained from it is that I look at myself through a more honest lens. I hate lies and if you are a liar you cannot be a close friend of mine because I think liars are dangerous. But I now recognize that there are truths about me that still remain hidden to me and personal lies that I tell myself and the Holy Spirit loves me enough that he will not allow them to be revealed until I am ready to deal with the knowledge. Some knowledge and revelation arrived at too soon can crush you before it heals you.

I think of myself as a mentally healthy, happy, whole, saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Spirit woman but I also know that in a family where few are obese or even overweight you do not get to be over 300 lbs (without even recognizing the weight being gained) without some kind of dysfunction or brokenness at the core. I had the blood tests to check the thyroid or insulin resistance or any number of things that could cause weight gain and all levels were normal. Trust me, I hate writing those words. But really, even if I didn't write them down, was there anyone in my circle of family and friends who DIDN'T notice I was fat? I'm pretty sure they did. I know I did. And I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and tho I didn't admit it to myself, I hated myself. So I punished myself and those who dared to talk to me about the issue by eating even more of my pain. Alone, late at night. Where no one could see.

I can write that now, knowing that I'm not in that position anymore. I am not completely healed but I am in the process of healing. Some of that healing shows on the outside (I've lost a lot of weight and maintained most of it for almost 6 years now.) Relationships that were destroyed by my low self-image are coming back. I appreciate and love my family so much more now because I see them as people who love me. Some in ways that I do not like. Some in a manner that needs adjustment from time to time. But people will only treat me at the level that I tolerate and allow. I need to change so that those around me can also change.

There are some battles that I refuse to fight anymore. Weight is one of them and I will continue to write about my journey because I'm not going to visit these places again. I'm going to learn the lesson and move on. I used to think my worth was tied to my gifts. That when the Bible said in Proverbs 18:16 (New King James Version)
"A man’s gift makes room for him, and brings him before great men." , that people wanted to be with me and work with me only because of my gifts and talents. I felt that if I no longer had those gifts then the people around me would disappear too. Some of that is true. I do have friends that have left the building because the hook up isn't there or the cash isn't flowing as readily and I can't do that free job because I have to pay to upgrade my equipment. And I've had church folk stop calling because after years of volunteering to use my gift "for the Lord", I've said "Could you maybe give a sista' a love offering from time to time?" No more. I choose to walk away from abuse, even if it comes from a church or a ministry. Those who love me, value me and recognize my self-worth includes my gifting but is not defined by it, well, they are still here. And so am I. Every day I'm walking toward my own peace from broken pieces. I'm choosing to walk toward wholeness and away from dysfunction. What about you?

Peace and blessings,

dede

Learn Not To Give Up

"We must learn not to give up when requirements are not met or when commitments are broken. To do so is a refusal to allow mistakes to be corrected and a demonstration of an unwillingness to forgive yourself or anyone else who needs forgiveness"
Iyanla Vanzant, Peace From Broken Pieces

I read those words on Sunday afternoon and had another light bulb moment of revelation about myself. I really punish myself when I fail to meet goals that I have set for myself and many times I have told myself, "Well, I guess this is just not my time" or "this is not for me", after a public and embarrassing setback. What is worse is that I retreat from my goal because I don't want others to see and comment on my failure. So fear of laughter and ridicule would be enough to get me to back down from a dream in the past.

Last Sunday I took a day off from my daily walks and I am happy to report that I did not let that day off signal the end of my dream about daily exercise. It did not feel good mentally this week. First the weather forecasters were saying all week it was going to rain and I had to push to just go out and walk anyway. I only got caught in the rain one time and most days the sun stayed out until long after I had finished my walk. So I did not listen to the weather forecast and I got out and walked anyway. Last week I walked a total of 17 miles during the week and my husband and I walked 3 miles on Saturday and another 3 miles on Sunday. I proved to myself that you can feel like crap and still be good to yourself. Next week I will measure inches again to see of things are looking better. But I feel better, not when I'm walking, that still feels like work but I feel good when I finish and the recovery time for my muscles is so quick, now that I am taking the ASEA every day.

You would think, man, Dede must be so proud of herself, what a big change she has made since January 4! Yet all I can feel is, man, I've been doing this for almost a month and a half and I should look and feel better by now - right?

I can't make this journey based on feelings. My attitude about myself needs some real growth and change. I been angry and disappointed with myself for a long time and I punished myself by not taking care of my mind, body, and spirit. And as long as I was reaching out and working to benefit others, I convinced myself that I was okay.

If there is anyone else out there who is like me I have a word for you. Your family and friends would feel better if you took care of yourself instead of others for a change. Your body is a temple that is set up to house a divine spirit within. When you make your body into a temple where the divine can live and flourish, the Holy Spirit inside you will be free and able to speak to you about really helping and blessing others. But you will be able to do it in wholeness and not from a position of need. And the first thing that the Holy Spirit will talk to you about is you.

The world needs people who are healthy; mentally, emotionally and spiritually. A problem would never show up in the life of a believer without the ability for the believer to activate the solution. But you will never be able to meditate and see the solution if your feet hurt, your back aches and you haven't slept in days.

I am glad to say that six out of seven days last week I met all of my goals. I did not chart all of my meals but I kept a daily running total in my head. I will strive to meet all my goals every day but I am going to enjoy the lessons along the way. On a practical note, The Body Media Fit armband and Digital Wrist Display have been a big part of keeping me on track. Having a machine on your wrist that beeps when you meet your daily targets is a great way to learn to be accountable.

My prayer for my family and friends is that they be in health, with a clarity of purpose and focus. If you are happy with the way you look and feel today, I am very happy for you and pray for your continued blessings. But if there is anything that you feel dissatisfied with and feel like a change is needed - then start today. That feeling is the size of a mustard seed today but inside that feeling that 'change is needed' is the power to make it happen. Two months ago I had a feeling that it was time for a change because my body felt like it was dying. It started with listening to that voice but the process now works independent from feelings or thoughts in my head. Mistakes are being corrected and I am forgiving myself for new hurts every day. I'm learning not to give up,

Peace and blessings,

dede